Here are all the bits and pieces I discovered and couldn't leave out but didn't really know where to put them!

This email message was posted to the discussion list UNDERACHIEV@lists.acs.ohio-state.edu April 20th 1999. It is a response to a message posted by a parent describing her 15 year old son and asking for assistance/advice. It is a frank discussion of some of the fundamental issues concerning underachievement.

Sometimes, when parents write into this list and describe their children, it's like a mirror held up to my past. Your son sounds like my doppelganger. And if the likeness is complete (is there bullying? a desperate desire to be liked? attention-seeking behaviour?) then I propose a very radical approach. The thing is, I'm not sure that you're going to be able to "fix" the underachievement scholastically in the next couple of years. The organisational patterns and the study habits are ingrained by 15. Now, puberty and social skills/acceptance are really the big hurdles. Educators and parents focus so much on scholastic standards with underachievers, yet has anyone yet come up with a strategy that works? Is your child happy? Can he cope with the world? Is everyone starting to throw up their hands and say "we don't know what we can do to help this boy, he just doesn't want to learn." (sounds like your local gifted program is - I went back to my old guidance counsellor a few years back and he said the same thing!) I've noticed, in myself, and in a number of respondents to this list, that many underachievers come out of the educational system in a dreadful state. Not because the people around them weren't attentive, or striving to lead them to learning. In fact, after years of counselling, organisational assistance, badgering, crying, hand-wringing, staying after school, and everything else, it seems that underachievers come out of high school, depressed, school-phobic and unsure of how they are going to make it "out there." I know that I was terrified. I didn't go on to university (hell, IQ around 150 and I didn't even finish my senior matriculation) and I became a shipper/receiver in a bookstore. That was the thing; I have managed to get on in the world, and now I see myself for what I am. What I always was, intelligent, articulate and a nice person. Yet I hated myself at 19. I had failed. Self-esteem is the key for underachievers. I truly believe this. Don't just focus on failures, highlight the capabilities. Develop the other skills, creative and social. Gifted children look beyond the now, always. But they are forced to prove themselves in some (for them, for me) seemingly meaningless context. And looking back, my marks weren't important - what I learned was. Please bear with me, because this is intuitive for me. Your son is learning. The gap between underachievers and everyone else isn't cognition, it's output. The school needs to know to its own satisfaction that a child is progressing. But a gifted child knows to its own satisfaction that it is learning. Some produce proof, underachievers do not. I felt...blocked, and nothing that the school system could do for me helped. So maybe the schools and my parents tried too hard, or in the wrong direction. That is why I say to you now, help your son as a person, not just as an underachieving student. If I had learned this lesson sooner, that I am more than the sum of my marks, I would have missed out on a great deal of pain. Sincerely, D.L.

This is D.L.'s response to my request to use his message in this package.

Jean, I would be honoured if my e-mail helped in any way kids going through what I experienced growing up. Acknowledge the source and stick my e-mail address on it if you'd like! I'm 31 now, in a pretty good job doing providing information research for an advertising agency in London. I'm married and usually happy. Not doing particularly well in school didn't turn out to be the end of the world. Kids need to know that, that they won't be discarded at the end of school if they don't fit in there. Good luck with your work. Regards, D. L.

And finally, two consecutive postings to the same list - the first from S describing her son's situation

and D.L.'s response.

We're still fighting the *underachievement* tag for my son, since he achieves what is important to him. The problem is, it has nothing to do with *school*, so we finally gave up on the PS system in June are have withdrawn him. He had finished 9th grade and completed the necessary math classes. I could not see the point of constantly terrible report card marks due to no homework done, projects not handed in, etc. The teachers knew that he knew the subjects; he contributed in class most of the time (sometimes overly contributed...it's difficult when a student knows more than you do, I guess), and all the promises made have not been kept. Right now, we're letting him *deschool*. I've bought him books to read in areas of his interest. Hopefully, we can fulfill the requirements of NYS. Truly, I think the school was very glad to say goodbye. They only like Overachievers. They did offer any help, etc. that we needed. Unfortunately, he always did well in the standardized tests, so they will lose a little there. But in this community, over-achieving is the norm. They have no clue to the *under-achiever*. Your daughter sounds a bit like my son. Something I have just recently decided is that possibly my son is not really underachieving; maybe our perspective on success must change. Surely, achievement should not be measured by homeworks turned in (when he remembered or could even find them!). There is a lot going on, within a child who is turned off. Beware of easy outs, such as ADHD, etc. Has your daughter always been this way? Way back, say, at 4, 5, 6? Mine wasn't, but lost it in school. The flame was extinguished early. I just didn't realize it. He saw so much as hypocritical and is really too perceptive for his own good. So, we are gathering information, taking advice from whoever is willing to offer it, and hoping we've done the *right thing*. Of course, there is much guilt involved, since we should have taken him out years ago, but kept thinking that the school would actually DO what they promised! They realize very early that they just cannot fit into the mold; I understand there are self-esteem issues that then crop up (no matter how egocentric they seem), and they really can't understand why no one appreciates them. We have to re-think how to express our appreciation, though I know I've always told him that he is loved and supported, no matter what. Not for what he does, but just because *he is*. Good luck. We are here, understanding. S. D.L.'s response S, Such beautiful words to read! I wish that my parents and my school could have been endowed with such wisdom and understanding. I have come to the same conclusions as you, retrospective to my experience growing up "underachieving." Although I was condemned as a failure in school, I have since made a life for myself, a good life, one that bears little resemblance to the terrifying future I supposedly faced. If gifted children are so different, why evaluate them the same way you measure others? Most of the unhappiness I suffered during and after school was related to my inability to satisfy others need to see me produce "results." I never doubted my own capabilities, until I was told that I was headed for the dumpster because I didn't measure up. Thankfully, I have realised that I am a very capable person, and I have succeeded at every endeavour I have engaged in. This why your message is so heartening: you have given your child a marvellous opportunity - a relaxed environment where he can strive for himself, without the enormous pressure of heightened expectation. His mind works differently from others, you have recognised that. Bravo! Your words should be read by every gifted educator, counsellor, and every parent who is inadvertently tormenting their "underachieving" child. In deepest admiration, D. L.

Note : The bold print sections indicate my personal emphasis. They did not appear as BOLD in the original messages